I am a reluctant writer. What this means to me is that regardless any reward that could come with putting my thoughts on paper, whether for a class or my own personal expression, beginning the process can be difficult for me. Of course this could probably be summed up as a bad case of procrastination, something I do also identify with, however I know the struggle to feel far more like an absence of inspiration.
Through thorough self-analyzation over the years I`ve learned one thing about myself to be undoubtedly true: If you tell me to do something, I`m not going to want to do it. Even if I was in the very process of beginning a task, once I am told I am required to do it, all desires go out the window. To be clear, this does not mean the task will not be completed, but rather the task may be completed less enthusiastically. In my opinion, much of this can be attributed to the conditioning we receive from the minute we learn how to write as children. From that point on we are constantly told when to write, how to write, and what to write about. I have gathered that I must have felt stifled from a young age and therefore soon lost my appetite for the outlet. I became frustrated with myself for developing that sentiment and decided I would redevelop my love for writing. I soon found myself clawing at everything around me, hoping inspiration would land in my lap.
This will sound cliche, but one day the inspiration did come to me. I am guilty of being an over thinker and a self-proclaimed avid observationalist, the type to prefer sitting back and people watching rather than socializing. It was through one of my weekly people watching experiences that I realized I actually had not lost touch with myself, I was simply being my regular self and over thinking the entire process. During those moments of observation, my mind was still yet filled with eloquent theories and imaginative stories perfect for my journal. From then on I channeled my energy differently and found myself able to overwrite instead of over think. I was putting my observations down on paper and feeling mentally and physically lighter after each session.
Ultimately, I learned my desire to write truly came from within but was definitely ignited by the everyday occurrences I would observe outside my window, on the train, or even between peers in my Quantitative Reasoning class on Wednesdays. Inspiration will be found as long as you choose to allow it to find you. I no longer tell myself when to feel moved and that has made all the difference. Luckily, I have the privilege of attending an arts school where creative minds and intriguing personalities surround me every single day and these characters in my life became muses for me. Additionally, throwing myself into a brand new city for college and having to learn new things every day provided me with endless inspiration. I discovered that my desire to be creative is found when I allow myself to live freely by myself as well as amongst other people.